If you’re eating right now, finish your meal and wait 20 minutes before reading this, okay?

Here’s an age-old expression: you are what you eat. But what happens to the stuff you eat? Has that ever crossed your mind? I’m sure it has when you’re running to the bathroom. We hate to think about it, but come on. All living carbon-based organisms do it. That’s right—poop.

What your poop looks like can indicate a lot about what’s going on inside your body. Here are some things to think about when you look down to examine your poop (and your health). Yes, I am urging you to look down at your poop after you’ve gone. Don’t worry; I don’t have a poop fetish, just a health one.

There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It’ll just be between you and me, okay? You don’t have to tell anyone. In fact, you can even pretend to hate this article after reading it and write me an angry letter for God knows why. What goes on in the bathroom can stay in the bathroom.

Shall we begin?

Bowel movements release more than just poop. Poop contains lots of waste and toxins that the body tries to expel. Poop is filled with bacteria; this is why it’s not okay to re-consume your poop.

What happens if you don’t poop, just like if you don’t sleep? Common sense: you die. The details are graphic, but just imagine your intestines rupturing and flooding with excrement, leading to a systemic infection. It’s kind of like pancreatitis, but less cool to bring up at parties.

How many times should you poop each day? Generally once. Some people can do more, props to them. If you’re not going at least once a day, you’re constipated and probably in serious need of eating more vegetables (think fiber, phytonutrients and antioxidants).

Pay attention to the form of your poop. The Bristol Stool Chart divides poop into seven types. Get ready to throw up.

Type one poop is like separate hard lumps. Type two is like a lumpy sausage. Type 3 is like a sausage, but with cracks on the surface. Type 4 is like a smooth snake or sausage. Type 5 is like soft blobs with clear-cut edges. Type 6 is fluffy and mushy. And finally, type 7 is watery.

So what should you aim for? Three, four and five. Four is considered the Holy Grail of all poops.

As politically incorrect as this sounds if it’s taken out of context: color matters. What color? Medium to dark brown (like a Hershey’s chocolate bar. YUM). No black, no green, no yellow, no tan. Black indicates bleeding. Yellow or green indicates indigestion and fat malabsorption and a strain on your liver.

Oh! I almost forgot. Floater or sinker? Well, think of “Titanic,” where Rose DeWitt Bukater and Jack Dodson met and fell in love and made me cry at the end. Did it sink? Then your poop should too.